As of this writing, it is nearing Christmas time. Many people that have challenges with families or have had difficult things happen to them at this time of year in the past experience even more suffering, especially when they 'should' be cheery. What do you do with all of this?
All this talk about living the optimal life, living the flourishing life and positive psychology interventions. But what about when things are tough, it drags you down, your resilience is weakened whether through your own lack of good self-care or external circumstances - what then?
Isn't this the time when all of this just seems like a bunch of hoey and is only for 'those people' who have it all together?
Well, yes and no. Let me explain.
I am a positive psychology coach. I help people see that they won't go blind from looking at the bright side of life. However, I have many days when I feel like this stuff has no relevance for me. Especially when I am flailing. I seem to lose all sense of connectedness to my optimism and bubbly spirit. I also feel like anything I do won't make any difference. Leftovers from 35 years of chronic depression. A hard place from which to create any forward motion. And a very distressing place to be.
Part of the solution lies in being with what is. Acknowledging that it is perfectly understandable given your circumstances, inner and outer resources (or rather lack thereof), and your basic personality traits, that you would feel this way is the first step. It is a step of compassion and understanding and respect for oneself. That might be as far as you get or not quite even that far. And that is okay. Just making some progress to there to here or part way will take the pressure off. How can you find a way to have compassion for you?
Another part of the solution, in my experience tends to be one small step in ANY forward, healthy direction. Never mind the rest. So, maybe seeing some small things in front of you that are good.
For example, today, I was driving over the Malahat into Victoria, BC in the pouring rain, feeling anxious about going to the city where I am flooded with memories and mixed feelings about the recent end of my two-year relationship with a man that I wanted to be with. I said some healing prayers, somehow found a way to re-focus and looked at my surroundings. It was pouring rain. I was driving my lovely car, listening to lovely music and driving through lovely scenery. So many people don't have those lovely things to appreciate. It is beautiful here and the beauty even shows through in the rain. Somehow, I became grateful for these things in the moment and even liked myself for being the kind of person that could appreciate those things. The gratitude shifted me. It doesn't always work, but it worked this time.
Sometimes, it takes something else to work. But work, it will. Sometimes you just have to wait out a miserable day and the next day is inevitably better. Sometimes you just have to ask in the morning, "what magic will come to me today?" and then watch as your day unfolds amidst all of it. Inevitably, there is something good that happens. This has been my biggest saving grace. What one little thing can you do today that will be helpful for you?
This is the way back to a sense of normalcy and, that is part of what it is to live a flourishing life, even when life feels like it is against you.
Shall my next post be a list of the different small ways to pull you out of the doldrums?
Warmly, Johanna
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