Christmas is a dangerous time of year for many people. Not exactly a flourishing or positive opening statement, isn't it? But let's see what this means. The danger is in the area of depressed mood or depression. The reasons? I think the main reason has to do around the unspoken cultural expectation that people are going to spend time with family and loved ones and everyone is going to be happy to see each other. Hmmm. How true is that? And what happens when it isn't true and you feel yourself comparing it or worse, yourself, to this cultural expectation? Herein lies the downward spiral.
Some people don't have family. Some people have family they don't want to be with or it is not psychologically healthy to be with them. Some people don't like to be in large social gatherings and find themselves there through a staff party. Some people have family elsewhere that they would love to be with but they are too far away. Some people don't have family or friends. Some people live an isolated lifestyle. Some people aren't Christian but it seems to be a dominant holiday with all it cultural expectations the world over. Some people had a tragedy this time of year that rears its challenging memories and all associated feelings. All of these are good reasons to feel at odds with the Christmas spirit. For me; my seven-year old son was hit by a car and killed on December 13, 1989. Christmas time has never been the same. I am single and I don't want to be. I enjoy having a partner. Also, I ended a relationship six months ago and am missing the good parts. I have lived a kind of introverted lifestyle, mostly because of past role models and the results have been more isolation that what is good for me.
So, what do you do? Every year it's the same thing and you don't find a way to resolve it. Well, let's begin to change it starting now.
The first thing is to find some way of accepting that you don't have the ideal family or circumstance that is culturally painted in the Christmas season. Easier said than done, right? Okay. How about trying on the phrase, "I am now here." vs. "I am nowhere." See how different the two phrases feel, same letters, different meaning, different feeling - in other words, you are starting from where you are, and this is okay.
Also, perhaps you have a true desire to experience more connection during the holiday season. This may be the message of your emotions. If this rings true, what could you do in this season, perhaps even in the next 24 hours to make a slightly deeper connection with one other person? Try this on as an experiment. What have you got to lose? It could be as simple as a smile or more eye contact or being more present to another person whether it be in the grocery store or at a Christmas party. Play with this. Bring your creativity into this. See what happens.
Now, the research in positive psychology defines a flourishing life as one where the positive emotions outweigh the negative in a ratio of three to one. We have also discovered that we have the ability to increase our positive emotions and there are specific actions we can take to do this. I believe one of the steps during the Christmas season is to be gentle with ourselves and to make a commitment to refrain from the social comparison of some seasonal standard of how things should be. This alone can save us from a downward spiral and prevent us from experiencing undue negative emotions.
The other consideration we could use is to look for the things in our lives on a daily basis for which we are grateful. The research shows that those people who practice gratitude have a more balanced perspective on their lives and can be happier because of it.
These are good first steps during this season and will contibute to living a flourishing life. Transformation starts in this way, with small steps and with practicing a few new things in the moments of our days.
It sounds small but it's power can be large. Meanwhile, nourish yourself with whatever makes you feel a little bit better, whether it be a better thought to think or an activity you like. Nourish yourself and cherish yourself for you have much to offer. Find one small thing that brings you joy.
Until next time, Johanna
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